i am blessed.

feeling so heavy as I read of a couple who lost their baby after an early delivery, already knowing her heart wasn't beating. I know, of course, why it hits so close to home, but something about this couple.. their faith and strength is the most beautiful I've seen. I've been following his Instagram account, admiring his photography and the way he loves his wife and has been documenting her pregnancy.

the thing that gets me the most is realizing how unworthy I feel to have such a healthy little girl. they spent the few hours they had with their baby just praying and celebrating her life. I have this beautiful, living baby. one who came into this world the most natural way, just as I hoped. even better than I had hoped. who nurses better than I dreamed. finds comfort in my touch. I had all of these hopes and God has exceeded them more than I ever expected and I'm not even on my face everyday asking for any of it. 

don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for our Norah girl and there are hard things I am going through. but how are we walking in so much favor when many days I don't even pray? and this couple prayed over their baby so much in anticipation, but only had a short time to hold her. I can't imagine not being able to hold the baby I carried inside. I know we just don't understand some things that happen, but things like this.. sometimes I wish we could understand.

so I've just been pondering all of this and praying for that family. and we're obviously still figuring out this new life of ours. trying to navigate all of this overwhelming love we have in our hearts that my mind can't fully comprehend. so much love, it hurts. and I still get emotional, you can call it the baby blues if you want, but it's more than that. your heart is wrecked when you have a baby. it's a spiritual thing as much as, if not more than, it is a physical or emotional thing. (so mommas, don't feel bad about being confused or emotional! just don't be afraid to ask for an ear to listen. (: )

I listened to a podcast today, from a good friend of ours in Idaho, which is rare for me (I can never stay focused listening to podcasts, so I usually just don't do it, to be honest), but I feel like God took me right to it because I needed to know that I am blessed. and that's just it, and that's okay. and because something terribly hard happens to someone else, it doesn't mean I shouldn't be blessed. 

your identity isn't achieved, it's received.

God doesn't say, "Do holiness and I'll call you holy". He says, "You are holy, so do holiness". He is a good dad who begins with blessing. you can't work for it, it's just given to you. no strings attached.

I don't have to manipulate God to bless me. He just does it. He just loves me.
He just loves you.

“What primitive people who thought that they needed to manipulate the gods, or the goddesses, or God to bless them..” c.s. lewis.

the best thing you can give is yourself. the best thing He could give, is Himself. and He did. God likes to bless us.

obviously I want everyone to listen to the podcast because I think it is so great, but I know that won't be the case. maybe though, it is just for one person reading this. so I thought I would share.

listen.

and here is the song he speaks of at the end.

and here is his twitter account. (:

(he didn't ask me to post this and doesn't know I am, but his heart is one we've always admired and it might do your heart well to follow him. who knows. hi, Adam!)

now I am going to snatch up my little bird who is sweetly sighing in her sleep, because I'm all sappy and can't help myself. she needs the extra squeeze today, I just know it. (okay, or it's me. I do. I need it.)

love..